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Khaleesi is My Spirit Animal

Updated: Apr 25

Okay, maybe not in all ways. I could do without the psychosis and God complex. But I wouldn't mind riding a dragon. And sometimes I dream in old-timey battle scenes where I'm dressed in smexy lady-leather warrioress garb, wielding a sword, standing victorious over a battlefield of my slain.

Who doesn't?

But where I really relate to Khaleesi—I just want a dragon to follow me around and douse me in fire every now and then. John Snow and the White Walkers can keep their sucky season; I want no part of it. Other than Christmas. But come December 26, I say we fast-forward to spring. I propose a new winter: December 22-25. And will someone please explain why February is the shortest month but is 857 days long? To my dear friends in The North, you have my deepest condolences. 

While I wait with bated breath for New Winter to catch on, I've devised an alternate plan to battle my seasonal depression. The old plan—drowning my sorrows in chocolate and comfort food while I dream of the days I can once again don a bikini and bask in the sunshine—has not worked well in the past. I'm no happier, and by the time spring arrives, said chocolate and comfort food have bonded to my thighs and said bikini has shurnk two sizes. It's a lose-lose. Since I'm not the only one who suffers from this made-up yet oh-so-real disorder, I've decided to share this newly devised plan. Please note, this is untested. Results may vary.

(Feel free to modify as needed.)

Step One: Exercise. Preferably, with three days a week of strength training. Any exercise will do, but I find weights to be the most effective in battling "The Winter Spread." Yes, I realize cardio is important, which is why I've addressed it in Step Two.

Step Two: Attempt three days a week of cardio. For me, that's sparring sessions in the dojo (wrestling my husband in the basement) where I hone my craft of joint locks and chokeholds. Cardio tip: find something you enjoy. If that's running on a treadmill for hours on end while staring at a blank wall, go you. You are a better man than I.

Step Three: Don't eat all the chocolate. While chocolate is a staple of my diet, as anyone who's read The Orphan can probably guess from Anna's modified food pyramid, its proper spot is the triangle at the top. Not the base. That's reserved for bacon.

Step Four: Put on pants. *Longingly looks at dry-fire pants and shooting rig instead of putting them on.*

No! I say NO to this! You will put on proper pants, and you will practice! And you will shoot, and you will dominate, and it will be glorious!

Apply this to whatever hobby interests you. The important thing is not to wear pajamas for three months. Put on real clothes, pants included, and do something.

Step Five: Pat ourselves on the back. We did it. We spanked winter's cold, cruel, treacherous behind. We're in shape, we're not borderline homicidal, and we're ready to don that swimsuit, inviting the sun's sweet caress to touch every inch of our skin. 

(permanent life goals)

I hope this helps. I'll let you know come April. If no one gets murdered between now and then, I'll consider it a success. And if you have any tips on surviving winter, I'm all ears. I need all the help I can get.

Until next time ...



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